Andrew:
Allison,
I’m so excited to start this - what a fun experiment to see if we can create something interesting with just our curiosity and dialogue. Thank you for raising your hand to participate with me.
My thought was that we could make this a multi-media exchange as well. We can respond with our thoughts to each other in written form but then provide back another piece of media (music, art, photography, video, etc) that relates or you connect the thoughts to.
Since my video of the bubble freezing resonated with you so much (I too have watched it multiple times and just can’t believe how mesmerizing it is) I want to start by examining why it did, to me, and get your thoughts on why it resonated with you.
I stumbled on the video on Reddit in a subreddit called r/holofractal. It’s a forum dedicated to the idea that the universe has a geometry to it and when observed we can see that geometry in all kinds of places and things - from the smallest observable things to the largest scales of the universe. It’s a very new concept to me, although I know that it’s a very old concept or idea that has been presented throughout human history.
There is something about watching the bubble crystallize into ice starting with the tiniest little hexagon. It then expands and moves around the tensioned sphere while it morphs into a more pointed shape and forms those intensely beautiful patterns of shards. As it encompasses more and more of the sphere and as it begins freezing and expanding in other places it does so effortlessly, as if no energy or effort is needed to do so, just the right conditions. Then as those crystal shards end up combining they imperceptibly just become one, there are no seems or traces of where the crystals started and ended, met or conjoined or anything. It doesn’t seem possible.
The key piece I wanted to present and get your thoughts on was the idea of “just the right conditions”. How can we use that as humans on earth and interacting with other humans and the universe. Should we search for or seek out the right conditions? Should we create the right conditions? Does it even take effort or actions to have the right conditions? Can they be planned? I’m left with more questions than answers.
Allison:
Oooh, I love this concept of "just the right conditions." There is so much to unpack here. I'm going to go a bit spiritual on you and say that we are always in "just the right conditions" because we create our own experience. I'll use an example. Let's say it's Monday morning and you've just spilled your coffee on yourself, not ideal conditions. But if you flip the scenario on its head and look at the situation from one of gratitude vs. poor me, you can create your own reality. Instead of thinking, "here's the start of another shit Monday," maybe you consider the fact that the coffee wasn't so hot that it burned you or thank goodness it wasn't a full cup or the cup didn't break.
I guess what I'm saying is that when you have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset, the world is your oyster. You will always have "just the right conditions." And if you want to bring in the Universe and "everything happens for a reason," maybe spilling your coffee was a sign that you need to slow down or be more mindful.
My question to you (knowing that you definitely have a growth mindset): how do you interact with those who have a fixed mindset realize that they're capable of essentially creating their own reality? And do you think everything that happens is part of our destiny?
Andrew:
I’ll answer your last question first - is everything part of our destiny? - since it’s been top of mind for me recently.
I used to be very firmly in the “no, nothing happens for a reason and there is no such thing as fate” camp. Even here today, I don’t like the concept of destiny or that everything happens for a reason or that we all have our own predetermined path.
I’m not sure I’ve ever had the right lens on it though. I think most of that came from a place of ego and from a place that didn’t like the idea that “god” was using me like a pawn on a chessboard.
However I’ve moved off being so strongly committed to that concept, mainly because I think I just had it wrong and wasn’t informed enough. What I’ve come to realize is that the only path that’s set and defined is the one in the past, because those choices and corresponding actions have already been made, but also that everything that could happen next is pre-determined based on whatever choice and action gets taken next.
Which means that I can project forward a path that could be taken, and make every right choice necessary to meet that path. If I remain present in the moment those choices will be clear as they come and then it’s up to me. Which is what makes being present and aware so very important to living the life you want to live and creating the inputs you wants to have into the world/universe.
As it pertains to how I deal with other people that don’t have this clarity or mindset, I find that trying to convince them doesn’t work. Everyone finds this mindset at the place and time that they deserve it. So it’s not up to me to try and force it.
I do, however, find it imperative once someone becomes curious and wants to ask me about it to deliver what I know in as full of fashion as I can. I’ll seed their curiosity with as much as I know to present at the time and manner that will resonate most.
There is the great song titled “ACE OF CUPS” by LSDREAM
It comes to mind in this conversation because towards the end, after explaining very succinctly the premise at hand, the narrator proclaims:
“you will have a tremendous breakthrough”.
I’m always tempted to say that to people that do become curious, haha.
Do you have any songs or poems or art to share that provide this sort of profound observation? That stick in your mind and come back to the forefront when they seem to be needed most. To me what makes creativity so unique is that it can find ways to communicate that words alone could never accomplish.
Allison:
I would agree with you in that people need to arrive in their own time and on their own path. The only thing we can do is demonstrate the positive aspects of embracing spirituality, serendipity and the magic that is the Universe.
I loved this song you shared and it's a beautiful way to meditate. The words that really resonated for me was: "learn to love your emotions." It's easy to love joy, bliss, excitement, all the positive aspects. It's much harder to embrace fear, sadness, anger and discomfort. But without darkness, we can't appreciate the light. Without negative emotions, we can't move to the positive or appreciate them fully.
I'm very new to leaning in to both positive and negative emotions after having had a crushing 2024 in so many aspects of my life. For me, the poem that I always come back to time and again (but especially those tougher times) is "She Let Go" by John Siddique:
When you "come home to yourself," what do you find is the most helpful for you? Is it something you see, hear, touch, feel, or taste? It seems like there are so many options these days when it comes to healing modalities and everyone resonates with something different.
P.S. I loved your letter to your ladies. Lol! I kill all the ladies and have actually dedicated myself to keeping one single lavender plant alive that my husband got me for Mother's Day. I literally talk to her like I talk to my dog. "Don't you die on me." Lmao! Which reminds me, I need to water her...
Andrew:
I've read your email 3 times today, and only just now did I have the time to pause at the youtube link, click it, and then listened to the poem. I'm stunned.
What an incredible piece of communication. I'm the type that "makes movies in my mind" while reading, or listening, or seeing something that powerful, and this one had me living in a movie that was the "she" in this poem living out the letting go. Since you brought up the paradox of emotions (good ones vs bad ones), this poem to me is the purest expression of paradox. How letting go wasn't easy or hard, right or wrong, good or bad, it just was. I've thought about that paradox a lot over the last 18 months or so, as some things in my life also came up that presented such deep emotions on both sides of the fence. It was like the volatility meter in my life went haywire and by being at those extremes of the emotional wavelength I had to think deeply about what those extremes represented.
I also tried harder to explore deeper into them and really examine what it would be like to embrace both sides of the coin. I've been a sarcoma cancer clinic patient for 10 years now (and will be for the rest of my life) and in moments of utter grief and despair I've tried to balance it with even the darkest humor, and make myself laugh (a couple times I actually did).
Since I'm in sales (and I love sales as a profession) I once went through the cafeteria after a "bad news clinic day" and imagined/daydreamed I was the grim reaper, having lunch with all the people in my ICP (ideal customer profile). I couldn't stop laughing thinking about all the scenarios that would play out as I comically tried to convince the other cancer patients to die so I could meet my death quota. I think more about that day at the hospital now more than almost any other day, because A.) it's still funny and B.) the humor of the paradox in the moment was MORE powerful than the negative emotions. It sort of proves the power of paradox - the counter punch has the potential to be more powerful.
Also, I'm so sorry to hear that your 2024 was crushing. I hope that the movement through whatever those experiences were has proven it's weight in perspective gained. Have you learned any tools or tricks or motivations that help you achieve balancing the paradox of emotions? I'll admit I'm not great at it (yet) in the moment or when its needed quickly. When things are calmer and slower I am very good sort of honing in and exploring it deeply, but I struggle when I'm moving fast during the day or in more chaotic environments to be able to slow things down and make sure I'm "just letting go" of all the things. (basically - I'd love some help if you got any of the good stuff?)
Allison:
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with sarcoma cancer. That must take a heavy toll on you and your family. Your Grim Reaper story did have me chuckling. And I think finding the humor and being able to laugh, even in darkest moments, can relieve so much pain.
In a nutshell, my 2024 involved a series of life-changing events. It started Dec. 31, 2023 on New Year's Eve. While at dinner, my husband suddenly became ill and thought he was literally dying. We went to the ER and they found nothing. This mystery illness that involved a panic disorder, Afib and severe insomnia took us to dozens of doctors and countless tests for 6 months. Then on Feb. 1, I was laid off from a job that I had started just 6 months earlier. And on Feb. 6, our dear friend's wife passed away after being put on life support following a surgical complication at 48 years old. Needless to say, I thought I was going to completely lose my mind the entire first half of 2024. (Side note: My husband is finally nearly back to 100% normal and he found out he has finasteride syndrome. Essentially, an adverse reaction to medication.)
When I was at my darkest, I would pray, cry and beg for a miracle. I would do anything to distract myself from life, including taking up pickleball (which I highly recommend). It was hard not to turn to alcohol or other ways to numb the pain of all of these horrible scenarios that seemed to just keep piling up.
My go-to's are writing endless gratitude lists, always remembering that someone has it way worse than me, screaming at the top my lungs in the car, Breath of Fire, and energy work. Last year definitely upleveled my spirituality in ways I never imagined. It was like being cracked wide open.
I'm sure you would agree that staying positive and having a growth mindset takes effort. So, I would love to know: how do you get yourself out of a funk? What are your go-to's?
Andrew:
Humor in the darkest moments certainly relives pain for me, maybe that’s my inner middle child speaking who used humor and charm to try to get attention. I do think comedy is a higher level of communication - the great comedians are some of our greatest artists and often times best contributors to the culture. They challenge and work with these paradoxes that confound us and find a way to make it joyful. It (comedy) can reveal the deepest emotions in us and turn them outside and upside down.
What a story! I’m so glad your husband is okay and got it figured out - I know how difficult those prolonged moments of unknowing can be. It took about 5 months to finally get an answer on if my sarcoma tumors were truly malignant and moving into my bones. 5-6 months is an eternity to sit with the thoughts that arise when you don’t know what your chances of mortality are.
And I’m so sorry to hear about your friend that passed. Death is hard for me, it’s a subject I don’t really know how to talk about because I don’t have a lot of experience with it. I’ve only ever lost my grandparents on my mom’s side, and they lived long full lives and old age got to them. Sudden loss like that is unimaginable to me, I quite frankly don’t know how I’d respond.
Those are good methods / tools and I love the breath exercise! I’ve never tried that before and it was so interesting. I even liked the concept of Breath of Fire “cleaning” the body that the narrator presented. Thanks for sharing, I’ll be using that one more regularly.
Staying positive and having a growth mindset absolutely take work. It takes an ability to really observe and then make the choice to take the positive / growth route. I find that it’s kind of about processing time of that observation:
<1 second - processing so quickly you are just being and observing in near real time. This allows you to make good decisions 99% of the time and take right actions.
1-2 second - so hard to achieve - if you are in a situation where impulsive anger or judgement arrives fast can you stay calm and balanced in that moment, observe the situation, and act accordingly?
2 - 10 seconds - still hard but if you can process this fast in those situation you can avoid most mistakes that come from the reactive and impulsive imbalance
10-60 seconds - relatively hard but too slow to avoid making bad impulsive decisions
1 - 5 mins - most people can achieve this but it’s often too slow to avoid making really bad decisions
5+ minutes - just no bueno, this level of processing delay will make you perpetually dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and rife with chaos.
I don’t know if this is a good framework for anything at allX but it’s a concept I think about. How can I get to that top tier where in the moment I just am, existing and observing, and making near instantaneous good decisions. It’s sort of like the final boss level of being present.
I think I’m currently in the 2-10 second bucket - but barely (8-10 seconds maybe?). I think this is why it’s a practice and we try to build these tool sets - because to get fast you have to get reps and be intentional with how to prepare and get to that level. You have to repetitively try hard to get there and do the right things to get there.
I certainly practice breath work - but it’s slower and much more of a mix of exercise and mindfulness. I’m a big Wim Hof / Tummo breathing practitioner.
I also try to have times where I only practice my awareness / observation. I don’t know how to explain that other than trying to be in a mode of fully grasping and being aware of all the inputs I’m receiving in a moment.
A new one I’ve been trying is trying to understand the experience of the other humans in the room/conversation. Can I try to fully out myself in their perspective, even without full or good information on how that perspective is formed, I TRY to understand their experience of the moment. And maybe if we are one consciousness I’m just seeing the embodiment of their experience through one lens? Maybe? Haha
Allison:
I do love your breakdown in terms of processing time and when you have to act fast with limited time. It makes me think that your subconscious is really taking over. The more time that passes, the more your Ego joins the party to bring all the doom and gloom scenarios.
That's the battle I seem to fight regularly. When I think about a choice or next step, is my Ego weighing in or is it my Higher Self? The gut or brain?
To your point about getting to the top tier, I do think having a strong sense of self-awareness, taking time for meditation and introspection, and being conscious of how you make decisions (ie, how it feels) all play an important role.
As a dad, I'm curious: do you try to instill this in your kids? If so, how?
Andrew:
Instilling it in my kids is always top of mind. It's so hard to balance though because it takes extreme patience. I have 2 boys, (almost) 11 and 5, and so as the dad to 2 boys I feel a great deal of responsibility to raise them to be great men. When they are young I don't think they can really comprehend meditation or contemplation as a concept - so we try our best to instill it by giving them some simple frameworks and then repeating the learnings of them over and over and over.
The main framework is this: How are the other people around you being affected by your actions and can you include their perspective (think about them and what might be best for them) into your choices?
Parenting is a long game, it's what can I teach them over many years rather than what can I teach them that they can pick up right now in the moment. The framework above is essential because it teaches them to be thoughtful about themselves (my choices and actions) and others. Then it becomes about balancing the two and practicing it the rest of their lives. We also are very upfront with them that we are still practicing it, are not perfect at it and make mistakes as parents too.
I think that's a good place to end, with humility. I don't ever want to come across as knowing it all (I indeed, do not know it all) but learning to communicate these thoughts in this manner is so critical and important. Thanks for being such a great and willing partner in this exercise.
With love and deep appreciation,
-Andrew
Allison:
Love this, Andrew! If everyone operated and parented under that framework, the world would be a much better place.
I appreciate you and really enjoyed this exchange. I'll be in your corner, continuing to cheer you on!